2/17

To my inner child;
Forgive me.
I know it’s been tough and I can feel you trying to stretch out of my skin, but slow down.
Take a breath.
There’s a lot I have to apologize for,
I just hope you listen
First off,
Sorry for always telling you to use your inside voice;
It caused you to stop speaking up and defending yourself
But you are stronger than you can imagine
You hold so much weight on your shoulders, and don’t know what to do with it.
You’ve been handed the world, but weren’t taught how to balance it; now you feel like everything’s slipping right through your hands…
But it becomes second nature,
Just give yourself time.
You should know, your dreams are bigger than life itself, and in your twenties a few of them come true.
Don’t let your love for books distract you from being aware of the life around you
Although now, I see you only lost yourself in chapters of fiction to avoid your reality.
You’ve always had a sharp tongue,
But surprisingly nobody likes it.
That doesn’t matter, keep learning how to defend yourself after so long of being silenced.
You should probably know, people get tired of your bubbly personality; but keep being you anyway.
Wake up as you EVERY DAY, and choose to smile.
Forgive me.
For not allowing you to speak up when being left around people who make you uncomfortable, I should’ve known better.
The details are still foggy, but you know it’ll change you forever
Also, please remember that people stare at you because they’re in awe, not because they’re judging.
On second thought— maybe they are, but don’t let that get to you.
Hold your head up high and admire the sun on the days you feel the clouds forming above your curls
You are magic
And I’m sorry people let you forget it.
Your heart is too big for how small this world is,
But you knew that already.
Your eyes have seen so much pain, yet experienced so much beauty
It hasn’t broken you, and everyone is surprised at how strong you are.
Take pride in being sunshine even on your darkest days,
Because you have no idea how many people your words have saved.
I know life hasn’t been fair to us,
But I hope you see everything I’ve done to clean up and make space for happiness.
So get up today and throw a smile on;
There’s a lot still waiting for us on the other side
Things you’ve prayed to God for and wrote down daily
Open your eyes and face the sun;
This is just day one of your new journey.

Double Edged Sword

I wonder if maybeYour idea of me

Is a bigger picture

Than who I ended up being for you.

Your idea of me,

A pixelated puzzle trapped behind your phone screen

My true self hidden in the cracks

Of what I won’t let you see.
A side of me too jaded,

Too childish

Too broken

To feel what you think is admiration.

I’m sure your big picture is shrinking by the second

When you realize

I am far more sensitive than what you thought
Far too guarded, when it’s convenient

I cared for you when it was easy to lose myself

In something intangible

Your conversation was a breath of fresh air

Til I began to drown & lose my grip,

Falling further off the edge than I had anticipated

You check in every so often to nurse my self inflicted wounds,

But your grand gestures put me in position to portray the person you think I am

I could apologize for destroying your ideal image of the woman you tried molding me into

But who you were for me, never turned me submissive.
This isn’t love, nor anything close.

Time keeps passing me by, my heart more tangled by the second.
I am not who you imagined I would be

But I am strong enough to know;

Who I thought you were,

Is no better.

Lágrimas y Lambos – Cruzito

First and foremost, I’d like to just say that writing this is a complete honor. During my freshman and sophomore year of high school, Cruzito’s music was all I listened to. 

Never in a million years did I ever think I’d be building rapport with a man whose voice was the soundtrack of my youth.

His new album, “Lágrimas y Lambos,” took me on a ride back to 2007, and probably further; thanks to the numerous samples found on the project. His producers, a team of brothers; who go by the name Los Audio Kimikos,as well as Myztiko (El de la melodia loca!!)  put their ALL into the production of this masterpiece (no pun intended).

The most fun I had listening to this project, was picking each song apart and taking in every sample. I’m not gonna lie, each one made me scream with joy; even causing happy tears.

The first track, titled “Contigo” was nothing short of a breath of fresh air. Cruzito’s sound is unmatched, something you won’t find in any other artist. He hasn’t lost the touch he introduced us to in 2006, he’s only improved it! What really got me was the “Te Extraño” sample. I legitimately screamed when I heard it, taking me all the way back to when I first heard the song in 2005. Overall, a 10/10 and a great way to start the album.

The second track, “Como Ayer” ft Ken-Y

. Man…I had to play this one back about a hundred times when they released it on November 26th; a special treat after Thanksgiving. Talk about total nostalgia!!!! The subtle hints of all of Cruzito & Rakim Y  Ken-Y’s first hits back in the early 2000s, every single sample used…it was all just BEAUTIFUL. Definitely another song worthy of replay value ( for me, at least 100 times back to back). Another 10/10 for sure.

Track three, “NRML” is the perfect mix of vivid imagery, and great energy. With the first line being, 

“Yo se que tu me estas observando, tranquila, que yo tambien te estoy mirando.” 

I can already picture Cruzito looking at a girl from across the bar/club, exchanging glances until he finally gets her attention. 

The rest of the song is a smooth ride of beautiful melodies and sultry lyrics; something you’d definitely hear at a club/lounge setting, or a car ride with the windows down. Another 10/10 for sure! Also has a 100% replay value. 

The next track, “Cali” ft Fito Blanko is definitely a different vibe from the first three tracks, in the best way possible. The perfect fusion of pop and reggaeton, with fun Spanglish lyrics. Once again, the producers absolutely did their THING with this melody. One of my favorite parts of studying an album, is listening to the beats behind the lyrics, and this is notably one of my favorite beats on the entire album. It’s the kind of song that will get anyone up and moving out of their seat, or even in their seat! Panamanian artist Fito Blanko was the perfect fit for this feature as well. 

Track five, “Dulce,”  took me by surprise after listening a few times. 

Being that this album is full of nostalgic samples, when I recognized the subtle shoutout to R&B supergroup 112  on this one, it made me smile. Took me back to the era of when R&B groups were at an all time high, and everyone loved listening to their vibes. The fact that Cruzito and his team of producers were able to give us that feeling on almost every song on this album, really made my  heart smile. This one in particular reminded me of the new wave of reggaeton, while still giving us that throwback feel we all know and love. 

Two of my favorite “bars” in this song were, 

“Flow Shakira, te gusta el Pique” and “Una nena fina, pero bien barrio.” 

Two very clever lines that would probably go over the casual listener’s head if they’re not focused enough. I picked up on them rather quickly and was impressed by them. 

“Flow Shakira, te gusta el Pique” is a nod at singer Shakira’s relationship with beloved soccer player Gerardo Pique. 

“Una nena fina, pero bien barrio” was a nod at Daddy Yankee’s 2004 album, “Barrio Fino,” 

Being that Yankee’s flow and music was my first introduction to the reggaeton genre in 2004, this was an absolutely clever lyric to me. 

Track six, “No Love” ft Randy,  was another one of the songs I’d heard before the release of Lagrimas y Lambos. Cruzito and his label, Joyride Latino, had dropped during the summer, and it was an instant favorite. This song is the perfect summer anthem, too. Almost very easy to forget he’s telling a girl he’s not there for long term love, just for the moment. Then we have Randy singing to our hearts in French, which is the most beautiful thing I’ve heard in a very long time. How lucky are we?! A trilingual reggaeton album, feeding us a little of every flavor possible! 

One of my favorite lines from this song is, 

“Dejé el corazón en Marte, ya no puedo amarte.” 

The next track, “Bombón”, phew, what a treat! Yes, pun fully intended. However, this song is not what I expected it to be, and that is why the phrase “Never judge a book (in this case song) by its cover (in this case, title).  

When I first skimmed through the tracklist and came across this title, I thought we’d be getting something very sweet, but that first line caught me off guard. 

“Todo tiene su final, no te vayas sin decirme que me extrañas.” 

Man…an arrow straight through my chest! But, as the song went on, I realized I wasn’t wrong for guessing what we’d be getting, based on the song’s title. Again, it was all delivered in such a beautifully smooth manner, who wouldn’t love being serenaded by this song?! Making me feel like I’m in highschool all over again!! 

Track eight, “Vibe”, is a top five favorite!! 

Starting off with an ode to Wisin Y Yandel’s “Sexy Movimiento”,  I already knew this would be the kind of song I could listen to all day, giving us that classic old school feel, with a modern twist. For me, this is the perfect song to empower women to feel their most badass selves. This is the kind of song I could hear on a runway for a swimsuit line, being that it has the perfect Caribbean drum sound.

Track nine, “Dangerous,” man….I feel we all miss Summer 2016, being that it was the last summer we all felt FREE, and happy…and music was just perfect that year. Well this song? Gives you just that. 

Starting off with, “Me prescribieron ya no verte, porque no me haces bien. Tu tijeras y yo el papel.”  I already knew we’d be in for a wild ride. This song is the perfect example of more vivid imagery. Telling someone they should have never met, should have never danced and drank together, because the woman is straight up poison! As “poisonous” as this woman in the song is, this is also giving me Boss Bitch vibes. A woman powerful enough to bring a man to his knees in such a way. Just how dangerous can a woman like this be…..? Another club banger, for sure! 

And what better way to end this amazing track, than with a Beenie Man sample?! 

Now we’re down to the last three tracks, and this is where things get even better!! 

The title track, “Lágrimas y Lambos,”  was the perfect pop fit into this album. Singing his heart out about seeming to have it all, but feeling empty enough to cry in a luxurious car. This is often the case with artists in the limelight, something they all try to hide; but brave enough to speak on in their art. Vulnerability and honesty is not something we get to see often, but when it is shown, it is definitely appreciated. This song is definitely one with a lot of replay value as well. 

The second to last track, “ Reemplazó” is another top favorite for me. How many times have we found ourselves in situations where someone from our past is confident enough to believe we won’t move on and find better? This song is exactly that. He’s telling this woman to move on with her life, being that he has been forced to move on with his, and refuses to be a second thought to her. Another great song with replay value for sure!! Definitely recommend throwing this on a beach and workout playlist!! 

And we’ve reached the end…. Wow, man. 

“C*lo Nuevo”…. What. a. Song!!!!!!!! 

When I played the album for the first time Thursday night…I was not expecting this sample in the slightest. Better yet, I never thought I would hear this song sampled twenty years later. This song is another example of “Don’t judge a song by it’s title,” because I truly thought we’d be getting an intense reggaeton track with this. But…. we got an N*SYNC sample that nearly sent me over the edge of my bed. 

When i heard the chorus of “Bye Bye Bye” to start the track off, ten year old me shed a tear!  Not only because of the extreme boy band nostalgia, but just… the entire song from beginning to end was pure magic. 

This song was the definition of sexy yet toxic. 

“Getting too close, too scary. You should love me temporary…..” 

“Que rico verte ir, y saber que no regresa….” 

The R&B breakdown in the middle of the song was the perfect fit into the beat as well. 

But the END?! 

Talk about a FLEX, where he plays three voicemails from three different women, in three different languages!! We all love that toxic voicemail track, don’t we?! 

All in all, “Lágrimas y Lambos” was  a GREAT album, and once again I was HONORED to have written this for Cruzito. Watching your career from 2006 to now has been such an amazing journey for your fans, who went from being freshmen/sophomores in high school, singing about unrequited love with you, to now growing and singing right along to C*lo Nuevo, too.  Your growth is an inspiration to so many of us. To your production team, Los Audio Kimikos and Myztiko; you guys really DID THAT,and I’ll say it a thousand times over if I have to! 

What I love most about this album, and something I realized as I was playing each track again, is the love you showed to the 90s-2000s boy band era. With samples from Xtreme, 112 and N*SYNC?! Just BEAUTIFUL. Showing love to your inspirations is always part of the process, and I am so happy for you. This album was a straight up masterpiece, CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE INVOLVED.

“Lagrimas y Lambos” is available on ALL DSPS right now!!! 

Xoxo, 

Nat Hernandez. 

Best Part Of Me

More often than not,

 I’ve felt like a stranger to my own memory

Like,I forgot who the woman in the mirror is

When she looks back at me after a shower

And the bags under her eyes feel heavy, 

But thats the weight of the world on her shoulders

Far from designerStill worthy of holding close 

The best parts of me still places unknown

Undiscovered on a map, can’t point them out on a globe

Still finding myself

Because there’s a version of myself

I’m eager to know

She’s okay

She’s healthy

She’s happier than before

With her own strength carrying her through

Stitching her heart back together;

Figuring out which fabrics fit best

 But this ghost lingers

Trying to remind us both

Of who we were, who we are and what we’ll be soon

 If she would just focus on how to get ahead

Instead of wasting time rekindling romances

 That only exist for mind games

 And becoming obsessed

With ghosts of their past too

But the real prize

Is the woman 

Who has yet to come from behind the curtain

Too early to reveal the hard work we’ve put in

The best part of me

Is a woman who is being built to exist 

She’s learning to stand tall

And wear her head high

Dust herself off when the dirt falls close

The best part of me

Is learning to love with purpose, tossing condition aside

Finding reassurance through her own cracks

 And shutting the insecurities away

Muffled voices come from her head

Of all the ways she wasn’t perfect 

Under the stars

 To people who couldn’t see what had hit them

When she enters a room

 The best part of me,

Is learning to love a woman who has yet to exist

But the stars keep reminding me

She’ll be here soon. 

Rude Awakening

It might have been the fumes from the cigarette smoke in our favorite bar

The night you and I took this to another level

And decided to bridge the gap between lovers and friendship

It could’ve been the poorly lit section we were sitting at

Where your legs crossed between mine

And our hands met.

Fingertips brushed against one another

I blushed, you didn’t notice

Not the universe playing mind games….

You come closer

Your breath heavier on my skin

The heat rising under my sweater should be a sin

Sacrilegious if you will,

Because we both agreed to never do things like this

An invisible boundary unspoken between two friends

Who’d run off to spend ten minutes alone

Before the moon followed us home

How the tables turn

Because now it’s you stuck between a rock and a hard place

With your back to the wall, trying to find the right pace

Of where your fingers greet my skin

For a familiar journey

That we’ve traveled under the stars

Sitting passenger in your fast car

With the curious hands

And soft whispers

Not the Universe tricking me again

We’re just friends

But the rope around my heart says otherwise

When you look down at me with those honey eyes

I’m on cloud nine

But far from falling

This is all part of the stars aligning

Ready for me to trip

But I’ve caught my balance

Holding on to dear life again

When your lips send a lightning bolt through my spine

“You’re mine,” you whisper

But through the smiles, I can tell you’re lying

I’m falling….

Falling….

Now the Universe has shaken me awake,

And it’s 7 AM again

You’re nowhere to be found

But you text me,

“Glad we’re friends again.”

Heart vs Ego

What nobody tells you about the healing process is just how lonely it gets
I understand that in order to heal certain wounds you have to isolate
But damn
Do you know how many dreams I’ve woken up from;
Of me laid out on your chest
Falling asleep to The Black Album;
Because you’re the one who knows me best
I mean,
We go way back
To before I knew how much my words meant
To before you knew how much I would mean to you when we cross paths again
And yet somehow
Here I go again
Refusing to take blame in this broken cycle that for some reason refuses to end
I know
I have to cut the bullshit and stop falling for men
Who can’t keep promises they make
When they see how deep I’ve fallen
I mean my bad
You said I was your world, so I believed you
But remember I said I wanted to give you the world;
So exactly where does that leave us?
Too many unanswered questions orbit my brain
What kinda sick game did I take part in?
Because I just don’t get what about me it is that makes it easy for them to come and go in the blink of an eye
But thats the price I pay for every time I’ve broken my own trust
Falling for men whose only ambition is to have multiple women
But I’m getting too old to be the last resort
I’ve put myself first for once
And though it hurts,
I can breathe again
I can sleep again
But I’m barely eating
I don’t know if it’s because my heart is coming back together, after being cracked open for far too long
Wait
I think I know this song
I wrote this melody
Of the broken hearted poet
Who never gets her way
But this time she goes for it
Healing ain’t too far
But this bed it feels lonely
Without your voice
Falsely reassuring you love me
But which version of me?
The one you met at sixteen, who no longer exists?
Or the one who saw right through the flaws in your blueprint, and chose her heart over your ego?

Wild Thought

Some nights I want you close

But we love this way for a reason

Long nights awake, hesitant to speak my mind

Are you mine for a lifetime,

Or is my love just for a season?

Got me trippin’ off a day dream yet again;

Don’t know if I could stomach this one if it ends

Not that I’m hoping you’ll go; I’m just aware of the cycle

I fall deep, baby got me in a chokehold

Nobody’s aware ; but we both know

Our bond has weathered multiple silent storms; never any earthquakes

You, a peaceful breeze

Me; the hurricane winds that keep the carousel moving

How did I get so lucky?

To find love again after I swore this would never be my fate

It’s like you & God had a conversation I wasn’t there for

Either way I’m thankful,

But if you’re ready to touch road let me know

I’ll fall from my cloud & ride shotgun

Because with how we flow, I’m in this for the long run

You & I beating odds we haven’t faced yet

On FaceTime making faces when I can feel my heart racing

Under my skin, trying to find your fingers to be held in

Cupid’s gotta be somewhere, rolling over in laughter

But I look at you, and no outside opinion matters

Because they can’t imagine the years between us, and all the hidden, distant admiration it took to get us here

Not even in my wildest dreams would love ever feel this serene

Easy to breathe, laughing freely

Uncaged, still treading carefully

But for you, I’d walk on water if you asked….

You give me that power

Make me feel that high

Your voice feels like home

A place we go to be alone

With our own desires

I don’t even like rhyming, but your love has me on a wild run….

Would I be crazy to think maybe I was kept here for us to learn from one another?

That maybe the Universe knew somehow we’d end up here again?

This time around I’m being taught to trust my heart, and that falling is part of it all…

I can count how many times we’ve lost each other in waves of time, but that’s life

We weren’t cut from the same cloth, yet we’re still the perfect fit for the others’ heart

I knew it back then, and it’s been proven lately,

You were designed for me to find, no matter the obstacles

Almost like a reward God kept safe for me, to remind me this life is worth it.

In Plain Sight

In Plain Sight

A love hidden in plain sight.
Two kids chasing different dreams, choosing different paths
Both looking for a way out, knowing they deserve better than the hands they were dealt.
A love hidden in plain sight
Staying up on the phone, to see who’d fall asleep first
She’s already thinking ahead,
His heart nowhere to be found, but finding comfort in her hands
This love story has been written and rewritten too many times, even retold by the sky to multiple galaxies
Sweet sixteen; far from grown to the world; but her heart familiar with how love fails
A clean slate when they first met, now his body covered in tattoos, with more stories to tell
Crazy isn’t it?
How when they met, she hadn’t yet discovered a passion deeper than the love they shared;
Til paper met pen; and the rest was history
Like he was put on this planet, in her path to push her out of her comfort zone
Exploring new parts of herself, hidden from strangers like a gem behind glass
In case he came back…
Foolish thoughts kept her awake often; but she would never admit it
Love hidden in plain sight though, that’s how the story still goes
Wandered the globe, shook hands, put her heart in the wrong hands one time too many
Meanwhile he watched from a distance, let her become her own woman, protecting her from the perils of her own faults
A guardian angel of sorts, always kept her close though no words spoken
Just hidden admiration; he knew better than to disturb her growth
Til both of them decided not to hide anymore
Just two friends catching up,
Playing a back & forth game of “What if, when….”
He knows the only person worthy of keeping her heart has always been him,
She knew too, but she was too afraid to say those things
In front of people who had never met him,
A love hidden in plain sight
Found between lines she had dedicated to heartless men
These two though,
An unbreakable bond only they would understand.

Letter to the Old Me

I used to be the kind of girl

Who froze up at the idea of my love not being reciprocated

Come to think of it, I’m still her on some days

Watching boys come in and out my life

Feeding off my heart and baptizing themselves

In my selfless love

Meanwhile being selfish;

Ironic, isn’t it?

Truth is, I’m tired

Of being thought of as a butterfly

When truly, I am a beast

I conquer all things thrown my way

Then rejoice on my throne

A queen of all things worth working for

Without space for a king to marvel from my tragedies

I used to be the kind of girl

Who was deprived of reciprocated love

Til i found joy in filling myself up

With all the ways I filled everyone else’s plates

Enjoying the sweetness of these new levels I’m reaching

I can still feel my old ways tugging at my ankles

So I’m wearing less to let the sun kiss my skin

Ridding myself of sin

That comes with loving men

Who will never love me the same way
That is, til it’s too late

I could block them, to avoid all contact

But my heart finds comfort in them watching my life from sunrise to sunset
The sands I imagined us on

Now burn deep for me under water

The same way my skin loved being under your spell
Have you seen how my hair bounces

Past my shoulders

Without the weight of you guys never calling me back

I laugh harder now,

With sweeter baritones

Laughter that sounds rich, and soft like honey.
Think of all the things I could’ve been

For all these men who lived rent free in my head, and heart

Who now can’t even get a smile back
I used to be the kind of girl who felt guilty about leaving them behind

But if she saw where we are now….

She deserves the last laugh.

Crashing Waves

Late last summer, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder;Who would’ve thought, right?

Just another writer with a few loose screws, a heart broken beyond repair & thoughts that won’t quit.
Borderline what, exactly?

Crazy? Maybe, more than likely;

But it’s deeper than that
Misunderstood is an understatement,
Overlooked quite a lot

Not to mention the emotions I wear on my face & the heart on my sleeve looking for it’s way back home

Borderline personality disorder makes it feel like there are two different people living inside of me;

An angry teenager who can’t find the words & Nat in her twenties; at war with herselfI mean myself

Maybe the world?At this point…who knows?

I used to blame the men I chose for constantly walking out at the first sight of my feelings

Think of the way an ocean crashes and the waves rise, catching someone off guard.
I think of myself as that crashing wave, and these men…

Their egos slipping right from under them

Or maybe they see the disorder from miles away

Or hear it in undertones when I speak

Or read it as invisible ink when I text

I guess love is a quest I’ll never conquer, and I’m finally coming to terms with that.
Living with borderline personality disorder, is like having

Two different oceans crashing into one small island

Different emotions flowing from each side

Anger, sadness, confusion, delusion, excitement

It all feels like bouncing through the skies on clouds built for

my clumsy feet, tumbling heart, and twisted tongue

Borderline personality disorder feels like,

Not knowing who I am today, regretting who I was yesterday & being scared of who I’ll wake up as tomorrow

Its the never knowing the next step that worries me

What is my personality on the borderline of? And why does it feel like the way everything about me functions (or doesn’t) a disorder?