Double Edged Sword

I wonder if maybeYour idea of me

Is a bigger picture

Than who I ended up being for you.

Your idea of me,

A pixelated puzzle trapped behind your phone screen

My true self hidden in the cracks

Of what I won’t let you see.
A side of me too jaded,

Too childish

Too broken

To feel what you think is admiration.

I’m sure your big picture is shrinking by the second

When you realize

I am far more sensitive than what you thought
Far too guarded, when it’s convenient

I cared for you when it was easy to lose myself

In something intangible

Your conversation was a breath of fresh air

Til I began to drown & lose my grip,

Falling further off the edge than I had anticipated

You check in every so often to nurse my self inflicted wounds,

But your grand gestures put me in position to portray the person you think I am

I could apologize for destroying your ideal image of the woman you tried molding me into

But who you were for me, never turned me submissive.
This isn’t love, nor anything close.

Time keeps passing me by, my heart more tangled by the second.
I am not who you imagined I would be

But I am strong enough to know;

Who I thought you were,

Is no better.

Rude Awakening

It might have been the fumes from the cigarette smoke in our favorite bar

The night you and I took this to another level

And decided to bridge the gap between lovers and friendship

It could’ve been the poorly lit section we were sitting at

Where your legs crossed between mine

And our hands met.

Fingertips brushed against one another

I blushed, you didn’t notice

Not the universe playing mind games….

You come closer

Your breath heavier on my skin

The heat rising under my sweater should be a sin

Sacrilegious if you will,

Because we both agreed to never do things like this

An invisible boundary unspoken between two friends

Who’d run off to spend ten minutes alone

Before the moon followed us home

How the tables turn

Because now it’s you stuck between a rock and a hard place

With your back to the wall, trying to find the right pace

Of where your fingers greet my skin

For a familiar journey

That we’ve traveled under the stars

Sitting passenger in your fast car

With the curious hands

And soft whispers

Not the Universe tricking me again

We’re just friends

But the rope around my heart says otherwise

When you look down at me with those honey eyes

I’m on cloud nine

But far from falling

This is all part of the stars aligning

Ready for me to trip

But I’ve caught my balance

Holding on to dear life again

When your lips send a lightning bolt through my spine

“You’re mine,” you whisper

But through the smiles, I can tell you’re lying

I’m falling….

Falling….

Now the Universe has shaken me awake,

And it’s 7 AM again

You’re nowhere to be found

But you text me,

“Glad we’re friends again.”

Heart vs Ego

What nobody tells you about the healing process is just how lonely it gets
I understand that in order to heal certain wounds you have to isolate
But damn
Do you know how many dreams I’ve woken up from;
Of me laid out on your chest
Falling asleep to The Black Album;
Because you’re the one who knows me best
I mean,
We go way back
To before I knew how much my words meant
To before you knew how much I would mean to you when we cross paths again
And yet somehow
Here I go again
Refusing to take blame in this broken cycle that for some reason refuses to end
I know
I have to cut the bullshit and stop falling for men
Who can’t keep promises they make
When they see how deep I’ve fallen
I mean my bad
You said I was your world, so I believed you
But remember I said I wanted to give you the world;
So exactly where does that leave us?
Too many unanswered questions orbit my brain
What kinda sick game did I take part in?
Because I just don’t get what about me it is that makes it easy for them to come and go in the blink of an eye
But thats the price I pay for every time I’ve broken my own trust
Falling for men whose only ambition is to have multiple women
But I’m getting too old to be the last resort
I’ve put myself first for once
And though it hurts,
I can breathe again
I can sleep again
But I’m barely eating
I don’t know if it’s because my heart is coming back together, after being cracked open for far too long
Wait
I think I know this song
I wrote this melody
Of the broken hearted poet
Who never gets her way
But this time she goes for it
Healing ain’t too far
But this bed it feels lonely
Without your voice
Falsely reassuring you love me
But which version of me?
The one you met at sixteen, who no longer exists?
Or the one who saw right through the flaws in your blueprint, and chose her heart over your ego?

Wild Thought

Some nights I want you close

But we love this way for a reason

Long nights awake, hesitant to speak my mind

Are you mine for a lifetime,

Or is my love just for a season?

Got me trippin’ off a day dream yet again;

Don’t know if I could stomach this one if it ends

Not that I’m hoping you’ll go; I’m just aware of the cycle

I fall deep, baby got me in a chokehold

Nobody’s aware ; but we both know

Our bond has weathered multiple silent storms; never any earthquakes

You, a peaceful breeze

Me; the hurricane winds that keep the carousel moving

How did I get so lucky?

To find love again after I swore this would never be my fate

It’s like you & God had a conversation I wasn’t there for

Either way I’m thankful,

But if you’re ready to touch road let me know

I’ll fall from my cloud & ride shotgun

Because with how we flow, I’m in this for the long run

You & I beating odds we haven’t faced yet

On FaceTime making faces when I can feel my heart racing

Under my skin, trying to find your fingers to be held in

Cupid’s gotta be somewhere, rolling over in laughter

But I look at you, and no outside opinion matters

Because they can’t imagine the years between us, and all the hidden, distant admiration it took to get us here

Not even in my wildest dreams would love ever feel this serene

Easy to breathe, laughing freely

Uncaged, still treading carefully

But for you, I’d walk on water if you asked….

You give me that power

Make me feel that high

Your voice feels like home

A place we go to be alone

With our own desires

I don’t even like rhyming, but your love has me on a wild run….

Would I be crazy to think maybe I was kept here for us to learn from one another?

That maybe the Universe knew somehow we’d end up here again?

This time around I’m being taught to trust my heart, and that falling is part of it all…

I can count how many times we’ve lost each other in waves of time, but that’s life

We weren’t cut from the same cloth, yet we’re still the perfect fit for the others’ heart

I knew it back then, and it’s been proven lately,

You were designed for me to find, no matter the obstacles

Almost like a reward God kept safe for me, to remind me this life is worth it.

Letter to the Old Me

I used to be the kind of girl

Who froze up at the idea of my love not being reciprocated

Come to think of it, I’m still her on some days

Watching boys come in and out my life

Feeding off my heart and baptizing themselves

In my selfless love

Meanwhile being selfish;

Ironic, isn’t it?

Truth is, I’m tired

Of being thought of as a butterfly

When truly, I am a beast

I conquer all things thrown my way

Then rejoice on my throne

A queen of all things worth working for

Without space for a king to marvel from my tragedies

I used to be the kind of girl

Who was deprived of reciprocated love

Til i found joy in filling myself up

With all the ways I filled everyone else’s plates

Enjoying the sweetness of these new levels I’m reaching

I can still feel my old ways tugging at my ankles

So I’m wearing less to let the sun kiss my skin

Ridding myself of sin

That comes with loving men

Who will never love me the same way
That is, til it’s too late

I could block them, to avoid all contact

But my heart finds comfort in them watching my life from sunrise to sunset
The sands I imagined us on

Now burn deep for me under water

The same way my skin loved being under your spell
Have you seen how my hair bounces

Past my shoulders

Without the weight of you guys never calling me back

I laugh harder now,

With sweeter baritones

Laughter that sounds rich, and soft like honey.
Think of all the things I could’ve been

For all these men who lived rent free in my head, and heart

Who now can’t even get a smile back
I used to be the kind of girl who felt guilty about leaving them behind

But if she saw where we are now….

She deserves the last laugh.

Crashing Waves

Late last summer, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder;Who would’ve thought, right?

Just another writer with a few loose screws, a heart broken beyond repair & thoughts that won’t quit.
Borderline what, exactly?

Crazy? Maybe, more than likely;

But it’s deeper than that
Misunderstood is an understatement,
Overlooked quite a lot

Not to mention the emotions I wear on my face & the heart on my sleeve looking for it’s way back home

Borderline personality disorder makes it feel like there are two different people living inside of me;

An angry teenager who can’t find the words & Nat in her twenties; at war with herselfI mean myself

Maybe the world?At this point…who knows?

I used to blame the men I chose for constantly walking out at the first sight of my feelings

Think of the way an ocean crashes and the waves rise, catching someone off guard.
I think of myself as that crashing wave, and these men…

Their egos slipping right from under them

Or maybe they see the disorder from miles away

Or hear it in undertones when I speak

Or read it as invisible ink when I text

I guess love is a quest I’ll never conquer, and I’m finally coming to terms with that.
Living with borderline personality disorder, is like having

Two different oceans crashing into one small island

Different emotions flowing from each side

Anger, sadness, confusion, delusion, excitement

It all feels like bouncing through the skies on clouds built for

my clumsy feet, tumbling heart, and twisted tongue

Borderline personality disorder feels like,

Not knowing who I am today, regretting who I was yesterday & being scared of who I’ll wake up as tomorrow

Its the never knowing the next step that worries me

What is my personality on the borderline of? And why does it feel like the way everything about me functions (or doesn’t) a disorder?

The Kind of Love

The kind of love I deserve

Isn’t the kind that’ll show up on my doorstep

Just because I’ve been a good woman all these years

Because that would be a lie

I’m never afraid to admit that I’ve done my share of dirt, poured toxic cups of tea….

But the love I deserve will come my way when the Universe realizes I’ve learned my lesson

It won’t be to show the men of my past that I’m better off without them,

Because from the looks of it, each one is better off without me.

I’m tired of chasing a Catch Me If You Can type of love,

These men aren’t Frank and I’m learning to be honest

But as a writer….there’s always a few truths that need turning

I deseve a better love.

A love that radiates through my windows at sunrise

Reminding me I’m worth more than just a few replies a month

Granted.

We all get busy…

But why chase if you won’t deposit time?

I never asked for much else

Except for reassurance here and there

The kind of love I deserve,

Would make my coffee jealous

Because mornings would be so sweet

I would finally know the difference between sugar and salt from a mile away

Or in my case…miles away

Loving me from a distance

A concept a lot of you idealize but are too afraid to bring to fruition

Vacations overseas would be bliss

If you would just shut up and listen to your heart

Instead of the whispers eating away at your brain

But you know no better

The love I deserve

Doesn’t fit in pockets

But arrangements of my favorite albums

As you dissect each one for me, like I hadn’t already done it myself for years.

This love I deserve,

Isn’t found by scratching the surface of my skin

Because every man so far has pointed out just how imperfect it is

Yet in the same breath,

Say they can’t wait to kiss it.

So…which one is it?

Too imperfect to be seen by cameras at every angle…

Yet, smooth enough to be kissed in the dark when your heart is hungry.

The kind of love I deserve is far from ego driven

It’s kind of love that untraces lines of trauma

And brings me peace.

That kind of love

Can never start with any of you….

Unlearn

Some of us spend months, even years learning

A new language; in effort to understand others better

But…

Your definition of what we once were, is a foreign language I wish I could unlearn

Your translation of love is a concept that makes no sense in either dialect

Which would make it easy to forget your diction, among other things

So why make it difficult?

I just wish I hadn’t learned every way you didn’t need to be loved

So instead I could’ve taken that time to learn the native tongue of someone new.

A breath of fresh air in every sense

That never tripped when I’d deliver my two cents

Language was always a barrier for us

Never on the same page

Never willing to meet the other half way

Loving you that long

Made me forget that my heart already speaks in two languages

And learning yours woud be a triple threat

That my brain wasn’t ready for

When you spoke,

I got the world pulled from under me

The snowglobe tipped over

But not once

Did you ever mean your sorries.

Waiting to accept apologies you never gave

Taught me how to listen beyond your tongue

And search for the answers in your eyes

I guess loving you came at a price

Either I learn ways to not be loved

Or unlearn ways I thought were love

Both ways…I still had one thing.

My own language to love the right man in.

Who Is She

I’ve always wondered but been afraid to ask

Who’s face do you see when you talk to me

Like.

What does she look like?

Do we share similarities?

Is she skinny like me?

Pale, but sunkissed in the sunrise

Who is she?

I only ask because we get so passionate with our words but then you pause

As if suddenly you remember

That I am from your past

And she probably is, too

But your pride will never admit to that

Who is she?

I just want to know so that I don’t continue to knock on your door

Or open mine when you come back around in search of the attention I no longer give you

I mean, I do but….

Just trying hard not to cater to your ego’s needs

You make it so difficult

But flashbacks of our mornings spring back

Like the summer I fell for you…

Your winter lips on my goosebumped skin

I was yours

One hundred percent

But now…

Someone else parades your head

Has a knot around your heart

I dare you to say no

Ive seen the way you miss her in how you speak to me

When that name rushes past your teeth

And you remind me

I’m just your best friend

But

You’re the one who can’t let go of me

When my heart searches for a new name to whisper

New lips to feed

New arms to call home.

But I wonder if any of them saw me in your eyes

And asked you

“Who is she?”

Sol

He’s like the sun

Always covering me with light

On the days I need it most

He’s a book I read

A few times a year

Just to make sure

I learn everything there is to know

About the man worth sticking around for

His smile

Is contagious

The comfort he gives

Like ice cream on a hot Summer Saturday

But somehow,

My body continues to fight it off.

Like it knows I’m not capable of receiving what he’s trying to show me.

He’s proven himselfto me,

In more ways than one

Yet my heart continues to neglect it.

It’s wrong

Because he always makes everything right

We get sick of the distance

After a few weeks of playing pretend

But on nights when its just my thoughts & I,

I can’t help but pray

For him

For us.

He’s the kind of guy I want to heal for, and with

Heaven sent

Makes sense I’d be in the clouds on my way to him

He’s everything I’ve ever prayed for

As I fight my sleep to make sure he’s still there,

The sun starts stretching its arms

Reminding me it’s a new day

Another chance to wake up

and figure out where the still will go today

I’m just a star in passing

But we make contact often

His rays reach out

In an effort to remind me he’s always there

Even when he isn’t.